Induced Ramblings

Recovery. Day 11

Sun, 18 May 2008 02:46:00 -0600

Michelle and I only have two more days here in Belgrade...this is both exciting and a little nerve wrecking for me. I can't wait to be back home and see my friends and family and pets (especially my pets!) but I'm worried about missing our flights home, especially after our experience flying here. What a mess! Why do we need to go through security every single time we get on a new flight? And why do they drop us off outside terminals, make us get on buses and then try to fight through the crowds with only forty minutes until our next flight? I really hate international flying.

I will miss the weather here in Belgrade...it has been gorgeous the whole time we've been here, of course I haven't been able to walk around in it due to my healing and extremely swollen genitals, but it's been nice to leave the windows open and see the sunlight.

Recovery--Day 8

Thu, 15 May 2008 01:11:00 -0600

I'm doing the extensive journaling about my lower surgery on my "lower surgery" page but I felt like writing a little blog to just say how amazed I am by our life journies. If you would have told me twelve years ago that I would transition to a male and complete all of my surgeries within a three year span, I wouldn't have believed you, one because I didn't understand that it was possible at that time to transition and two I would have laughed at the amount of money we are forced to pay out to be who we are on this planet.

I sometimes wonder what my life would be like right now if trans people were supported by our US govt and we didn't have to go into debt beyond our eyeballs....but then I try to shake it off because I have my whole life to pay back my debt but only the present to be who I am.

I hope people reading this who are comfortbale in the sex/gender that they were born into appreciate more what has been given to them. Going through the surgeries, the recoveries, the hoops and loops, the doctor consultations/visits/insurance nightmares, the paper trails, legal trails, fear of discrimination trails, the ignorant responses, "You used to be a chick!", is something you'll never experience.

I laugh at the way some media portray trans people and the way they yell out their headlines. I've been in various trans communities and we are all just people, trying to live our lives as truly as we can. We aren't hiding behind our fears but washing the fears away and enjoying the time we have on this planet in the bodies we need to navigate us through the social constructs.

With all the crap that I've gone through, I feel like I've lived many lives in just the almost 29 years that I've been on this planet, and even though there have been many battles, challenges and hardships, I look forward to what the future may bring but am always very happy to be in the present.

4 more days....

Wed, 30 Apr 2008 16:09:00 -0600

We are now setting off for Serbia this Sunday. In a way it is kind of weird to let the reality of this surgery sink in....I've always dreamt of it but never thought that I could actually do it. But by this time next Wednesday, I'll have that dream completed....wow.

I was very fortunate to have sold three homes this past week, this has greatly reduced my stress in relation to financing. I have over two thousand paid off on my surgery loan and am hoping that by the end of 2008, I have it more than half way gone. It would be great to have the loan completely paid off by next year...we'll see what happens.

Another thing that helped tremendously was a benefit penis party that we threw at my home. I am amazed by the support and love that my friends and family have given me and will always carry the memories of the party with me.

The only bummer from the party is that both Michelle and I got a cold. I quickly rushed into my doctor's office and got an antibiotic because I'm not going to let anything keep me from my surgery on May 7th.

8 more days until we leave

Fri, 25 Apr 2008 13:17:00 -0600

So we have eight more days now until we leave, 12 more days until my surgery. Currently I'm in a mad dash to get everything done for a benefit party that will be held at my house saturday night...after I get through the party, then I'll focus on packing and making sure all of my bills are set up to be distributed while I'm gone. You never really realize how much there is to do, until you're facing a reality of being out of contact with everyone and everything for two weeks.

I'm still very excited for the surgery, but I'm definitely ready for the day to come and go because all of these years of thinking about it have made me very tired ;)

12 more days until we get on an airplane

Mon, 21 Apr 2008 13:45:17 -0600

So we now have 12 more days until my partner and I get on an airplane and fly over to Serbia. Originally, my surgery was scheduled for May 6th, but due to that day being a day of celebration for them, I was informed this morning that my surgery will be on May 7th...so hopefully they won't party too hard the day before

I'm actually excited by the idea of being able to sight see before being laid up in bed with achy balls. It will give my partner and I time to get some food for our stay and learn a little bit about the bus system. I'm scheduled to have the operation done in the Nardoni Front Clinic which is 35 minutes to an hour bus ride away from the apartment that we will be staying in.

Right now I'm feeling nervous for the flights. Excited to see the city. Nervous for the surgery. Excited/Nervous for the results. And dreading not being able to cycle and run for a few months upon my return.

Not a fan of Airline companies, 17 more days

Tue, 15 Apr 2008 08:42:00 -0600

So I think that airline companies are ran by republicans mainly because they like to take our money and then screw us over. If it wasn't for me checking on my flights, I would have not known one of the legs was dropped which would have resulted in my partner and I being stranded in Belgrade, Serbia...just a little ways away from home.

After three hours of being on and off hold and running this way and that I have been issued a new airline/flight plan for our return home but was also left with more fees because of changes being made to my flight plan.

I've protested a few, one has been lifted but I'm determined, no matter how many customer service reps I have to go through and cheesy "hold" music that I have to listen to, to receive more compensation because with the amount I'm spending to fly, I deserve better treatment.

23 more days until we leave

Thu, 10 Apr 2008 18:53:00 -0600

So there are 23 days left before we board the airplane and fly to Belgrade. I'm very excited for the surgery, but super nervous flying there. One because of all the crap going on with airlines and flight cancellations and second, our flight from Belgrade to Paris (to take us back home is missing from my itinerary now!) I called the airport but they were of no help...where the hell did it go? I have tickets for it but I can't find it anywhere? So if we don't make it back from Belgrade it's because the airline screwed us over ;( Very, very, very nervous.

BUT, I'm very excited for the surgery team that I have chosen to help me increase my quality of life. I stumbled upon Dr. Miro's website the other day, and it's truly great. If you are thinking of having the metoidioplasty done, please visit his site at http://www.metoidioplasty.com.

More to come, soon!

Another very surreal dream, wow, wow, wow, 43 more days

Fri, 21 Mar 2008 07:52:00 -0600

So there are 43 more days left until we fly to Serbia and I had yet another dream where my surgery had been completed. It is such a bummer waking up every morning right now but I'm hoping that my April is busy enough to keep my mind pre-occupied. I was struck with a cold two days ago so I'm hoping this will get all sickness out of my system and I'll have a clean bill of health before flying.

I almost have two thousand dollars put down against my loan....only thirteen thousand left to go before it's paid off....sigh, why can't we have cool health care here that doesn't put us in the poor house?

Crazy, crazy dreams...47 more days left

Mon, 17 Mar 2008 10:21:00 -0600

This morning as I sat down at my computer I looked over at my calendar and went, "Wow, next week is the last full week of March." After all these years of daydreaming and all these months of counting down, I'm only a month and a half away.

I keep having these crazy dreams where my partner and I are in Belgrade and I've had my surgery. I'm always a little bummed when I wake up and find that it was just a dream...sigh.

I went and bought my euros two weeks ago, that was a sad day due to the value of the US dollar vs. the Euro. As I was filling out my withdrawal sheet the bank teller said, "Wow, this is bad timing, you should have bought these last year at this time because it would have been the reverse exchange rate." I just looked at him and shrugged my shoulders because what can I do about it. If I put my surgery off, the rate would likely only weaken or regain in value ever so slowly, so I'm just going with the flow and hoping that I get a couple homes sold before May 2nd. It is possible...we'll see if it happens.

Have returned from Colorado Goldrush...67 days left

Tue, 26 Feb 2008 16:11:00 -0600

I returned from doing a keynote at the 10th annual Colorado Goldrush Conference on Sunday. During my time there I met some great people including writers, surgeons, and advocates. I was very thankful for them to have invited me to the conference and really enjoyed talking to a room full of MtF's.

I also did an interview with a radio show called TransFm, which you can visit at transfm.org. I haven't listened to the interview yet, so I don't know what I sounded like, but I'm sure it went well.

I am at 67 days now until my lower surgery. One of the surgeons at the conference wasn't too keen on me going to Belgrade and also wasn't keen at all with the urethral extension, but as I told him...even if the extension doesn't work, I at least have to try. I know there are a lot of risks and complications and potential corrective surgeries but I have to try....I don't think anyone can truly understand the importance of this procedure unless they are also a transman.

The closer I get to the actual surgery date, the more excited I become...I would be even more excited if I could get my debt down even further, but all in good time I guess.