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| Not Like You |
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| Original Artwork---plese do not copy, but if you'd like a picture of this, we can arrange that. |
Here is the story of coming out and my transition:
At the beginning of 2004 I was able to finally come out into the LGBT
community (with the help from one of my friends). Within a month of coming out, I met my partner. We have been
together over a year now, and as far as I'm concerned, she is the person that I want to spend the rest of my life with. Well,
over the course of the summer and into the fall of 2004, after coming out to friends and family about
being gay, I had another hurdle to deal with. Ever since I was a child I wanted to be a boy, it was something
I dreamed about, wished for, etc, etc...over the course of time it was something that I pushed down inside of me because
I knew it wasn't possible for me to be a boy and no wish could get me there, so instead I turned toward scrutinizing my body
and hating how I looked. This hatred of myself then turned into an eating disorder and depression. From 1998--2004 I
always thought that my eating disorder was just related to poor body image, so I did the workbooks, listened to the tapes,
and constructed new activities to deal with body image, yet nothing seemed to be working for me and I became a broken record
in therapy stating that "My outside didn't match my inside."
In December of 2004, my partner and I were perusing books at the Calamus
Bookstore in Boston, MA. I purposefully bypassed the regular stuff that I looked at, gay and lesbian literature,
and moved into the transgender/transsexual section. It was there that I found the book Body Alchemy by
Loren Cameron. My hands shook and a smile grew inch by inch as I flipped through the pages
and looked at the pictures and stories of female to male transsexuals. Of course, my excitement wasn't shared by my
partner who simply looked over my shoulder, scrunched her nose and said, "You don't want to look like them do you?"
By the end of her question, my hands stopped shaking and my smile turned
into a frown because I knew that what I wanted, what I connected with wasn't something that she accepted and I felt
ashamed for even liking it. I said, "No," but kept the book in my hands and then purchased it after we were done looking
at the other items in the store. Along with Loren's book, I also bought Dagger (a look at butch women
and drag). I felt pretty depressed the rest of our trip, but didn't really know why, so I labeled it as just
being homesick.
When we returned to Lincoln, I quickly read both books, and although I
liked Dagger, I just didn't identify with the butch women and the words that expressed them. When
friends came over, I proudly showed them Loren's book and talked about all I had learned about transgender issues.
This learning phase then led me to the Internet where I joined different transgender groups and researched what
all it meant to be transgender. It was there that I discovered surgery and hormone therapy. I was ecstatic
while looking through surgeon pages about top surgery and the reality of something like that happening for me. In the
past, I always thought that I would have to get breast cancer or be in a horrible accident in order for my breast
to be removed.
After sitting and thinking about everything, I finally told my partner that
I wanted top surgery. At first she was hesitant, but I assured her I wouldn't go further than that, so she agreed
to helping me through the process. Well after a month of researching who to go to, the cost, recovery, and after
care processes, I chose Dr. Perry Johnson in Omaha, NE. Another month went by before I finally set up a consultation
with him. I felt so giddy after calling to make the appointment, but there was a part of me that was still
sad. I knew that the top surgery wasn't all that I wanted. I wanted the hormones too, but I didn't know how
to tell my partner.
Finally I just said, "I want to take hormones too." Well it's
been three months since I told her. We've had some pretty hard times because she identifies solely as lesbian and hates
men. She pictures herself growing old with a woman, and wants her partner to be able to go to women only spaces
with her, which we can't do if we stay together. Thankfully, we both love and respect each other and
understand the importance of communication and couples' counseling, so I think we'll be okay, even though I have days
where I fear her leaving.
On March 31st, I had my consultation for top surgery. The
first thing Dr. Johnson asked was, "are you on hormones?" "Nope." "Are you currently living as a
man?" "Nope." "Okay." I think in most cases he would ask the person to reconsider, but fortunately
I did have a therapist note, and 0% doubt about having this done. So after a brief question/answer session,
we set my top surgery for May 6th (which felt like an eternity away :) Between the time I set the date, and the
actual surgery I was busy coming out to family and friends, preparing for graduation, and studying more about transgender
issues. Things have gone pretty well for me. Well, that is pretty well minus my mom, dad, and sister, who
all are having an extremely hard time with this, and have pretty much severed ties with me. Thankfully my brother's
family still loves me and wants a relationship, even though they are a little weirded out by it all.
So after coming out, I went into the other details that I needed to
do, 1) find a doctor here in Lincoln who will prescribe T. 2) look into changing my name, and what will I change it
too? how much will it cost? how long will it take? 3) getting my gender marker changed to
male on my birth certificate, driver's license, and social security. 4) finding a job while doing all of this.
I decided to go by Ryan for my name, but have not gone into the process
of getting it changed just yet. I'm staying where I worked while going to school for a while as the web and graphic
designer, and fortunately found a doctor to prescribe T. If you want to know about my chest surgery, click on Chest Surgery. And click on Hormones to find out details about how T is working for me. I will say that the surgery went off without a hitch,
and I started T on Friday, June 3rd.
The other news is that all of this is being documented by a new LGBT
network through MTV which will launch on June 30th called Logo. I happened across an announcement
back in March on one of my ftm pages where Logo wanted people who identified as Gender Queer to email them...I decided
what the hell, they won't write me back anyway, so I told them everything going on...They then emailed me back the same
day, and well the rest is history. I have become their main character for their Gender Queer/Gender Fluid
documentary, set to air in December of 2005. They have been down twice so far, one for my surgery, and two for
my first T shot...and are planning to come back in a couple months to document the changes T has made. It's been a great
experience, and I'm very thankful I've been a part of it (even though there isn't any compensation that I know of
:)
UPDATE for 2006: A lot has happened since I've
started my transition, a lot that I feel is very positive. First, my sister and I have reconnected, and actually have
a better relationship than we've had my whole life. I have a new respect for her and am really happy to be part of her
family again. My parents have also talked with me face-to-face. It was a little rough (and has only happened once
due to them being travelers) but it's more than some. And of course, my relationship with my partner has strenghtened,
and we've made the big plunge by buying a house together. I'm very fortunate for what is going for me right now, this
hasn't always been the case in my life. I've struggled a lot in many different areas of my life. I have been through
25 years of mild to severe depression and have survived a few close to death events. It goes to show that listening
to your heart and doing whatever you can to accomplish your dreams pays off in the end.
UPDATE: September, 2006: I've
been on testosterone sixteen months now. As I've stated in other places, I had a total hysterectomy on August 15th.
The pain from that surgery was minimal and the recovery time was very fast, especially compared to chest surgery. I'm
enjoying being estrogen free and have noticed that the acne that I was experiencing before is disappearing...great to be living
off of one sex hormone, ah testosterone, how I love you ;)
UPDATE: July, 2007: This past year has been a very eventful year. If you read my
journal, you can catch up on winning my appeal with my insurance company. I'm now working two to three jobs with the
hope of saving up enough money to have the metoidioplasty surgery. As of right now, the plan is to consult with Dr.
Marci Bowers and see if I can have a release and implants, then hopefully in the future, health insurance will make a turn
and I can have the full surgery completed by Dr. Toby Meltzer in Arizona. It would be ideal to fly over to Belgrade
and have everything taken care of in one procedure, but I don't have the time or ability to be away from home that long.
Hopefully by next year at this time, I can give you a positive update on this whole situation.
ryescout01@yahoo.com
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